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Memoirs of Smoke

I can’t write

right now
not about you at least
not ever maybe
about you
the least
safe to say never

it’s 3.41AM
and I need a new you

someone to write for
someone to right me
someone right
to write right
this night is not right
it’s fading already

I’m on a leash
and It’s raining outside
one of the many cliches
of this sleepless morning
the leash is blurred
leash being the memories

rain falls
falling leaves
leaves me mesmerized
small drops of rain
as well as the ripe mangoes
ganging up on the roof

maybe it’s closing up
the hole in which
I lost myself in
and crawled right back out
maybe I’m becoming whole again

the carved out heart
the renewed cigarette smoke
forgetful lies of lives
songs on repeat
blank spaces on the faded walls
abrupt silence follows

it’s 4.31AM
and I need a muse.

© 2016 Pamuditha Zen Anjana

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Closing Curtains

I’m picturing a past state
another road to my lost fate
add another nail to the coffin
it’s my last date

Heart races
through the blurry faces
Mind spaces out
through those lost pages

So I, loved you
Outlived you
Tried blending in
Ended up bending back
Bleeding and clutching
The misguided heart

And I, used to trim my chances
re-imagine my own dreams
after all I was MIA
in the Suns golden rays

Then I, hated you
Outwitted you
After you ripped me
part by part
Beautifully apart

Yet I, tried to keep it all in
even went out of my way
to direct a hollow life
just like a well scripted lie

But they say it’s not right
to fight in days like these
plus the stage is closed
and its no man’s land again…

© 2014 Pamuditha Zen Anjana

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Other Side

I walked when
the morning star glanced at me
through the weaves of trees
and when the mornings became noon
and when it was hard to bear the light

I walked even when
the way forward seemed
utterly impossible
even when things seemed to be
falling apart right in front of my eyes

I kept walking
counting each breath
for the miles I’ve passed
tripping on the countless
paths I’ve crossed

I kept walking
even when you told me
that I’ll never be able to

I kept on walking
even when the world told me
“you’ll never ever make it!”

So, as I walked
on these lonely roads
through the wallowing dark
that swallowed hope

on came the silence
to take away my words
on came the pain
to take away my memories
on came a lot of things
to sink their teeth into my brain

Oh but, still I’m walking
towards what I need the most
towards that place where
the grass is greener and
the skies are bluer
towards where it’s safe to breath…

© 2014 Pamuditha Zen Anjana

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Two Years Later

I thank the light for darkness
’cause darkness alone was the light,
that guides me towards my ultimatum,
the gift that bound me to these goals,
the core that got thrown away in a hassle…

as if I’m gonna stop believing in us
and if I did,
like it really affects the notion of “us”,
two ultimately different souls,
submerged into one entity

we were supposed to be a paradise
together, woven and intertwined into
this almost surreal forever kind of reality
in which, he
was not a part of, and you broke me,
with those miscalculated promises…

as if I’m gonna blame it on you alone
and if I did,
like it really leaves a mark on you
or in this case on me, or like it’s just gonna
bring you running back to me, into my arms

Honestly, today I’m missing you more
more than those most days,
when you invade my dreams,
then suddenly
leave me breathless, sense-dispersed
in the first breath’s glance, into the light,

as if I’m gonna burn away your memories
and if I did,
like it really would take you away
away from me, off from my inner eye,
pages torn, and lanes erased in a blink of an eye

yet, these harshly sweet images of you
starts to suffocate my senses,
but m’ love I do love them,
not you,
not anymore!
but I love those blurry images of you,
they are closer to me than you ever were…

but you never left me, did you?
I ask you whenever I see you, and you,
you just smile and blink as if
you saw the Sun for the first time ever,
and you say “No!”

and I count so many “you” s in above lines,
yet there’s no you, where it really matters…

© 2013 Pamuditha Zen Anjana

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Resolutions

Having burnt a cigarette and life
Turned myself back at the path I was supposed to follow
Whether it was the right way or something else entirely
I don’t really know…

Maybe I didn’t want to know

Who knows these things?
They are supposedly mysteries
That no one finds out
Until they do…

Cyber lives,
Much untold stories…

They say the break of dawn is the best time
To make decisions
Maybe it’s true
I wouldn’t know
I’m not planning to stay awake that long

Solo is the way to go
Solo is the way to be

Choices,
They seem hard
Until you choose

Maybe it’s up to you
Maybe it’s not
I would know

Cyber lives lol,
Society is not fucked up
You are…

Cigarette’s over
I think I ought to go in now…

One last thing though
Don’t base your dreams on the theories of reality
They are fucking dreams,
And dreams don’t need theories.

© 2013 Pamuditha Zen Anjana

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Reflections

I turned back time
tip toed upon the water
just to get a closer look
a glimpse of my old self

every mirror I’ve known
in bitter pieces, broken

I thought I easily could
steal the reflections
from moving waters
but sadly, I failed

Turning back time again
though, on a different note

I’d rather lose myself entirely
than breaking apart, whilst
trying to prove myself
in the eyes of the forsaken

So, now I’m stepping under the Sun
searching for my very own shadow

© 2013 Pamuditha Zen Anjana

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Ordo Ab Chao!

Arise! whilst feeding on the ultimatum,
the wrath of the unsatisfied, looking up at what’s not humane
through the veils of light, Oh! Let thy kingdom begone!
Turn to dust, and then fly off with unresolved fears

Open thy eyes to the despair, the burning desires
let torrents of sin run through thy veins, turn into stone
feel the twists, aching heart beats and ice-cold fires
breath in the dry Sulfur and let the lungs die in vain

For, yet in the next Armageddon thee will be gifted
with the sight and the light beyond thine realm
be granted a spirit-walk upon the ninth kingdom
twisting knives of 72 promiscuous virgins

Fulfilled promises… hark!

By the bloodless right to disown a fatherless child
I call upon thee, the chaotic lie, the ruthless parricide
the imbalanced pervert, the uncivilized fetish
come lay thy dark shadow upon these puny little lives

Oh! Let them reap what they have sown
treat their fragile spark of hope with barbarous heart
vanish in the rustics of the heaven itself
God is no more, neither is the opposite

Out of chaos, comes order..!

© 2013 Pamuditha Zen Anjana